Preferences

When we’re young, we live according to the preferences of our parents or caregivers. They are imposed, hopefully in the interests of our safety, comfort, and well-being. Those preferences are imposed, which conveys a sense of idealism. Law abiding preferences may seem restrictive, such as car seats, playpens or walkers. They’re imposed in the interests of safety.
As we grow, we’re taught to dress ourselves, feed ourselves and play games, which usually come with rules. We’re also taught that everything has its place. Again, preferences come into play. Messy rooms are a given lapse in personal preference, but easily correctable.
As adults by age definition, we’re suddenly free to exercise our own preferences. At first, they are experiments in efficiency. Our best interests aren’t noticed until we can’t see the floor for the clothing, dirty dishes won’t fit in the sink anymore, or the trash can overflows. Self-imposed preferences require a certain amount of cleanliness to stay healthy.
Still, we have the choice to clean, or let the impositions stay where they are. Caring becomes acting in our own best interests. In other ways, like decor or memorabilia, preferences become personal. Those personal touches often make us feel at home, or give us a sense of comfort. When someone comes to visit, those preferences can say a lot about who we are.
Chances are, our preferences don’t align with the preferences of others. The psychological effects of sharing personal space can generate conflicts. The idea is not to impose our personal preferences on others. Adapting becomes a necessity. In effect, life is a process of adaptation. Like it or not, we must adapt to publicly conceived norms or get creative.
Laws are non-negotiable, which brings temptation into play. Can we fudge on the posted speed limit? Can we be five or ten minutes late for work without severe consequences? Can we eat at our desks instead of the break room? Just how far can we push a deadline? Temptation lets us try. That makes enforcement a perceived imposition.
In the same way, imposing our personal preferences on others may be an imposition on them. Whether or not they accept our personal preferences becomes a show of character. If we make our preferences demands, the friction that results may not seem fair, and it often isn’t. That concept makes negotiation crucial to the stability of relationships. In that respect, the importance of the relationship depends on our ability to adapt.
The “my way or the highway” approach takes any negotiation out of the picture. Agreeing becomes a form of submission. Rejection results in leaving, as in ending a relationship or, perhaps a job. Accepting and adapting gives way to the ideals of fairness, reciprocity and equality. Harmony doesn’t require the same notes, it just requires those notes to be in tune.
It’s something to think about when relationships with others seem difficult. I call it self-negotiation. Have the internal argument before making it external. Should we make the negotiation something fair and equitable, or just impose a demand?
Yours Truly,
A Student of Life